Fellowship, LEAKS
by Roselyne
Summary: Did you really think that the nine who received the mission to destroy Sauron's ring were brave and mighty? BAAAAAAAAAAD MISTAKE! Discover what Tolkien's official tales might have tried to hide from you.


**Disclaimer: ** I owe nothing from LOTR. This story is written as a parody for pure reading pleasure, in homage to Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, and contains sometimes references to other movies & TV series.

**Warning:** My first language is **FRENCH**. I hope my English won't be too terrible to understand… ^^;

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**FELLOWSHIP****, LEAKS.**

**Chapter 1 – Debriefing.**

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It had been a long marching day. The sun was still slightly above the horizon when Gandalf decided that the fellowship would rest here. For several reasons:first of all,the place seemed adequate, a gathering of eight rocks in a clear area that would allow them to see any incoming enemies; second, the fact that there was still light, making the wood collecting easier for the cooking later… and finally, the fact that most of the fellowship members were exhausted. Especially after their chaotic night. By an amusing coincidence, the rocks were put in a perfect circle, and each member was sitting on his own rock.

"All right", Aragorn started when he sat. "We can make our daily debriefing, and make plans for tomorrow".

"We can't!", Sam glanced around, then turned to the others. "Not everybody's here."

"Boromir's away", Legolas explained to Aragorn's frown.

"He's gone collecting wood", the ranger answered. He casted a look around and went on: "And also, all the rocks are occupied".

"So great…", Pippin sighed. When everybody turned their faces to him, he went on: "It means that not only shall we wait for him, but in addition, we still have to roll another rock here".

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« We are just wondering… », Merry started, putting old Brandybuck's herbs into his pipe.

« But there's nothing to wonder! ». Aragorn's voice was raising alongside his agitation, as every times Merry was opening his mouth to say something. « We split the tasks at every stops before we can really rest. Here Boromir got the wood drudgery, that's all. »

« Nooooooo, but don't picture us more stupid than we already are », Gimli retorted. « Boromir, it's quite rare he moves away _that_ far ».

« Yes », Sam added bitterly. « I'd say that he always remain quite close to Mister Frodo ».

« But there's no such thing as maximum distance! », the ranger was feeling the headache he had been fighting all day long, coming back. With backups. « It all depends on the drudgery you get! »

« True! », Legolas jumped in the defense of his childhood friend. « Usually, **I**'m the one going on wood collecting. And I cover sometimes long distances to get dry woods. Most of the time, I miss the beginning of debriefings ».

Aragorn clenched his jaws after this hidden accusation.

« I'm always there! », Sam stated proudly.

Gimli glanced at him from aside. « Yeah… We wonder why… »

« You must be bloody essential… », the elf added with a half-smile.

With a rare flash of intelligence, Sam seemed to feel the irony in these words and thought about it. « Well, at least, I'm more essential than Boromir, as I'm in every debriefings ».

« In your face, Boro ! ». Frodo was quite happy to let go some of his angst and bitterness. He could stand less and less the longing and insistent gazes that the Son of Gondor was regularly casting towards Sauron's ring which he was wearing on a necklace.

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« What I find odd… », Legolas started, leaning slightly towards Aragorn, « is that you can't split your priorities ».

« Even if you have a grudge with Boromir », Merry added.

« A what? », Aragorn felt like falling from the sky and hitting the ground hard.

Merry blinked. « What _what?_ »

Aragorn was gazing the hobbit intensely. « Who has a grudge with Boromir? »

« Don't you? »

Pippin came at his cousin's help. « That's how I understood it too… »

« Complete madness! », Aragorn frowned. « I have a grudge with none of the Fellowship! »

« Aragorn… », Frodo could feel the ranger starting to boil and wanted to calm things down. « We don't want to mess up with your personal life, you know… »

Gandalf cleared his throat and seven pair of eyes turned to him. « When you'll be done chit-chatting, just remember we still have a debriefing to do ».

« The debriefing shall wait! », Aragorn raised an imperious hand. « I'm a victim of aggression, here! »

Everybody moved an inch away from the ranger. « Come ooooon, nobody's aggressive with you », Gimli started with a falsely reassuring tone. « Don't you play your startled virgin, please ! »

Legolas tried to ease the discussion and spoke quietly to the ranger: « We just say you can't split your priorities… »

Aragorn breathed deeply. « I don't know where you got the idea that I had a grudge with Boromir, but I thus announced, you gossip girlies », he was briefly interrupted by a grumbling choir, « that it's absolutely false! Boromir of Gondor and I have… », his voice became hesitant as he was searching for the most adequate terms, « … relations quite… friendly ».

« Uh… », Sam raised a hand. When he caught the ranger's gaze, he didn't wait for his authorization to go on. « The other day, you fired him from the battlefield. »

Aragorn blinked. « Huh? Which day? »

« The battle against a scout of orcs in the previous valley », Gimli explained. « You both yelled at each other for half an hour, and then you fired him. »

« And so he left, pouting… », Pippin added with a voice full of compassion.

« You see? », Legolas hit his knee with his palm, as if speaking of something incredibly obvious. « You can't split your priorities! ».

« Really ? », the ranger questioned, before turning to Sam. « How did I call you yesterday? »

Sam thought about it for awhile, then the appropriate memory came in his mind, shoving away every cooking recipes lying there. « … You called me _'Fat Moron'_. »

« SEE? », Aragorn clapped his hand once, gazing at each and every member of this debriefing. « And yet, here he sits! ». His voice lowered a little. « It doesn't change the fact he's a moron, though… »

« A _FAT_ moron », Sam added, looking almost offended that one of the adjectives had been dismissed.

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Aragorn was resting his head in his hands, shoulders down. He had enough of this. He was declaring forfeit. Everything to move to next.

« All right, all right… I didn't wait for Boromir's return from his wood mission. My mistake… ». He lifted his head and look at the other members, still sitting in circle on their rocks. « Now I'm asking: which one of you will leave to switch mission with him and let him a rock in this debriefing? Gimli? »

Gimli frowned. « Wait. As a dwarf, I represent an ethnic and harassed minority here. I _must_ assist this debriefing! »

The ranger turned to the elf. « Legolas? »

« Oh no… I already missed a lot of them! » , the archer protested. « I'll end up understanding _nothing_ of this mission. »

Aragorn turned towards their magician. « Ganfalf, then? »

The old Ystari narrowed his eyes in an award-winning painful expression. « My poor backside won't allow me to carry a lot of wood, and the fire will be quite small, let alone to cook with it… »

The ranger turned toward the hobbits. « Frodo? »

Sam straightened on his rock with a horrified look on his face. « Oh no ! You're not gonna fire Mister Frodo… ! »

Legolas arched an eyebrow and had a wicked smile. « Better not. If the Nazguls put their hands on him again, he's going to whine and cry. Awful… »

Aragorn went on scanning the fellowship of the Ring. « Merry and Pippin, we can't… »

« Why not? » , Pippin opened wide eyes. Merry went on: « You always tell everyone that we are completely useless in debriefings! »

« Not this time! », Gandalf interfered, his hand up to catch everyone's attention. « They must tell us about the mushrooms they used for yesterday's soup. The reason why we all saw pink oliphants during the whole night and a significant part of the day ». He paused and his smile became like venom. « That's actually the _subject_ of today's debriefing… If there are still people interested, of course ».

Aragorn went on. « We can't send Sam for the wood collecting mission. He wouldn't be able to find his own ass with a detailed map ». The ranger looked at his companions. « So, tell me. What do we do? »

There was a long and heavy silence, only interrupted by a fly farting, before Gimli breathed deeply and stared at the ranger. « What about _you_? »

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The sun was going down towards the horizon, making the shadows of the circle of rocks longer and thinner. The other difference from before was that now, there was an empty rock.

« Are you happy? », Gandalf started. « Now what? »

The other members of the Fellowship were gazing the rock where Aragorn had previously been. The dwarf cleared his throat. « Well… I just told that, like I could have told _anything else_, you know... »

Pippin's face brightened suddenly as his brain was connecting with Reality. « Well. At least, we now have a rock for Boromir! ».

"Hnn...". Legolas smiled uneasily and spoke with a soft voice. « I'm not sure that's the right thing to do… ».

Frodon nodded. « If they have a grudge and we put Boromir in his place… »

« Yes… », Gandalf concluded. « That time, don't complain if there's an explosion. »

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**To Be Continued****...**

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In memory of an ancient fic of mine I had to remove because of his "MOVIE SCRIPT" look, I decided to write this kind of fanfic. It already has 13 chapters in French, if you are eager to discover more, and – of course – understand Molière's language… The title in french is _"La Communauté des Bras Cassés"._

This fic will contain **parodies** and **references** to other fics of mine, as well as movies / TV-series, … (you can still try and find the references :))) ). The chapter **won't** be in **chronological order**, though. Depending of the inspiration of the moment ;) Some of them will happen in **Rivendell** around the council of Elrond. Some will happen in the Wilderness with the **Fellowship**. And some will also happen in the **villains** headquarters.

Hope you had fun, and sorry again for my crazy English ;-)

Kisses & Hugs :*

::Roselyne::


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